Direction

So here I sit, in Las Vegas. Ironically, I'm freezing! My roommate/landlord (I rent a room in his townhouse) is so ultra concerned about the gas bill, that it's 34 degrees outside (and dropping), and yet the heat is off. Not "low"... it's OFF! I really do understand concerns about energy bills, but damn it----I'm cold! I'm wearing two pair of socks, two pair of pants, a shirt, a sweater, and I'm still cold! Maybe my mind is overactive tonight, just trying to stay warm? I don't know, but it's definitely on overdrive.

Tonight my mind is whirling, thinking about the course of my life. Am I really steering it in the direction I want to go? Do I even know what direction that is? I believe most people have a lot more control over their so-called "destiny" than they believe. The problem with this belief, of course, is that I have to apply it to myself. This means admitting that where I am in my life is... my fault. "Fault" is a rough word, but I mean I have to admit that I steered my life to this point. Certainly there were a few detours beyond my control, but for the most part my life is a direct result of the choices I've made.

So do I think the current state of my life is a good thing, or a bad thing? MMM... My opinion about that varies greatly depending on my mood that day (or hour). There are times I see the good things... My amazing friends and family, all the traveling I've done and things I've experienced, my talents, my music, etc. Of course everything has an opposite. There is the dark side... My complete lack of financial security, lack of direction, feeling old, poor health, and the crushing loneliness that often accompanies a life of frequent travel/relocation. It is difficult some days to deal with these things. It is even more difficult to admit to myself that I am largely to blame for them all. It would be so much easier to be like the majority of people I meet, who blame whatever and whomever they can for their problems. They blame their parents, they blame the president, they blame the economy, they blame the devil, they blame whatever they can find. If I could blame my troubles on someone or something (besides myself), at least there would be some small comfort in that. I do understand the appeal. The problem is I know who is really to blame.

I am (and hopefully will always be) a dreamer. I've always had big dreams, and I've always wanted big things out of life. The thing is, for the last few years I've started wondering if chasing all these big dreams will cause me to ultimately miss out on the more simple pleasures life has to offer? Perhaps it already has? Do I even have the capacity to be satisfied by a more simple life? I just don't know. I really wish I did. The upside of knowing that the direction of my life is largely the result of my choices, is knowing I have the ability to change it. My problem is knowing which direction will steer me towards happiness.

I know... It's not a terribly new or original problem, but it is what I'm thinking about tonight. That, and how damn cold it is in here!