Shadow

Today I cried. It was the first time in a really, really long time. Today I received the news (via email) that Shadow has died. For those who don't know, Shadow was our cat. She was not an affectionate cat to those who would visit. Even though she was a tiny black cat, she actually inspired fear in some of our visitors. My theory was always that she was afraid of visitors, and thus her aggression was actually just a manifestation of that fear. The only two people in the world who got to see another side of Shadow were Scott and myself. To us, she was quite often affectionate. She would constantly jump on our laps, and want to be held. She would purr loudly, and stroke her head against us. She would jump up on a chair and play a game with us that we started when she was a kitten. To me, she was often a loving pet. She always had a bit of attitude, but I loved her none the less.

At this point I don't even know how or why she died, I only know that I will never see her again, and that I wasn't there when she was dying. I am quite wrecked about it all. Of course it's all amplified by the fact that I'm very unhappy in my current situation (on the ship). But I'm sure I would've been wrecked either way. Shadow may have been the terror of our apartment, but to me she was special, and I will miss her greatly.

Another day in the Caribbean

So I'm still on the ship. Yup. I'm hating it 10% less than before, so that's improvement, right? Since the cruises are only 3 or 4 days long, and we do the same itinerary over and over, there is a lot of repetition.

I'm a bit homesick this week for some reason. There was a cool rock band that played in the crew bar a few nights ago. I was singing along at the top of my lungs, and jumping up and down with the crowd. Well, as much as I can jump up and down when the ceiling is only a few inches taller than me. I went swimming in the ocean briefly, and that was nice. Over all it's just waaaay too hot for me here.

I'm surviving, and I'm making money... and that's that. I'm not sure how it's all going to play out, but if we knew the ending ahead of time, what would be the point of experiencing the story, right? To all my peeps... I miss you much.

Abandon ship!

OK, so I've been on board the Mouse's ship for a week-and-a-half now. So far... well... let's just say I FREAKIN' HATE IT! Yeah, that ought to about cover it.

For those who think I'm out having high adventure, and exploring the Caribbean... um, no.... at least not so far. I have yet to touch foot in the Bahamas, even though we've been there four times already. I'm always working. I work A TON----7 days a week, very long days. My best port trips thus far have been my two rushed trips to the Port Canaveral Walmart. Yeah... livin' the dream!

Several key parts of my job were misrepresented to me by the recruiter. I don't remember anything having been mentioned about me mopping a stage at 6AM, or about moving large/heavy sets twice a day, or about me climbing 100 foot ladders up the side of the outside main steam funnel so that I can rig stunts (am I a Rigger?!?) in the dark. Um... I thought I was the Head Audio Engineer?? Oh yeah, I guess I do that too... on the world's most complicated mixing console...on which there has been very little time to learn. At least there is Crew Bar, right? Um, yeah, there is, but one of the turbines that propels the ship is broken, and it is right under the Crew Bar. This means that all night the floor sounds/feels like it's being hit by a very large sledge hammer.... Over and over and over. It would almost drive me mad, but I'm usually just so happy to be done with work for the day that I just push it out of my mind. It's easy to push things out of your mind when you haven't had more than 4-5 hours sleep per night for the past 10 days.

OK, so I know the first few weeks of any new job are always the worst. I also know it takes a few weeks to adjust to ship life. But remember, I've been on this ride a few times before, so I do have a basis for comparison. The Mouse works you HARD. On the positive side, I do have a core group of friends here that I made during training on land. Unfortunately, none of them work in my department. I see them for little windows of time here-and-there. What else is good? Mmmmm... the shows I'm mixing are high quality.... though very much themed by The Mouse. There is wireless internet in the sound booth (for a per-minute fee), so that's good. I really can't think of any other positives at the moment.

I knew going in that I didn't want to do another ship, but I chose to do it anyways, so I guess I can only blame myself for being in this situation. I just didn't see any other way to break out of the rut I was stuck in. Maybe I was overzealous in wanting to change my life quickly? I don't know. I think about leaving all the time, and yet I'm still here. I think the problem is I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do if I left. I also know I would run out of money in a week or three.

I'm still alive, and I'm still trying. What more can any of us do really? I wake up in the early morning, and I push myself through each day---hour by hour---- through sheer force of will. Can I do it for another 6-and-a-half weeks? Probably. Will it get any better? Possibly. I hold out hope that things might turn around here. Yes, I do have hope. Jaded as I am, I always maintain some glimmer of hope.